The only conspiracy theory I’ve ever subscribed to is one about the husband’s beer – it mysteriously “evaporates” in the fridge rather than him, you know, drinking it.
But recently the way politicians are cherry-picking coronavirus statistics and science to suit their own agendas is terrifying.
Rebellious mayor Andy Burnham refers to graphs which illustrate the rate of Covid infection is already falling, therefore Tier 3 lockdown is unnecessary.
The Government produce other charts which show the city must shut up shop.
Then there’s Wales.
The peculiar little dough-faced creature in charge, Labour’s Mark Drakeford, gives us stats to demonstrate his beautiful country is a plague pit and everyone has to stay home or die.
Cue total lockdown for ONE death reported on Monday.
Equally doom-laden Welsh MP Chris Bryant quotes percentages to illustrate his local hospital intensive care unit was 75% full and on the verge of collapse.
According to the Welsh Government, though, the ICU in question appears to regularly operate at that capacity and in 2018/19 had an average annual occupancy of 79.8%.
Meanwhile Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has performed so many pirouettes on the subject, the only surprise is he doesn’t turn up in the House in a tutu.*
Why are they doing this? Why are the people we elected playing political Russian roulette with OUR lives?
Back in March we trusted them. Now? Not sure any of us believe a word they say.
As Mark Twain once said: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”
A Covid death toll that goes from one to two can be dressed up as a screaming “100% increase”.
Rising rates of infection sound terrifying, but the upward trend mirrors almost exactly the increase in testing. Well, if you can believe the charts.
Meanwhile we have the elite of every political shade flouting the very rules they fine us thousands for breaking.
Manchester's coronavirus hospital capacity 'overwhelmed by November 12' warns Govt
Health Secretary Matt Hancock doesn’t wear a mask in the back of a chauffeur-driven car and allegedly drinks after 10pm.
Scottish MP Margaret Ferrier travels the length of the country knowing she was infectious, Jeremy Corbyn can’t count, and Prof Neil Ferguson thinks an illicit legover is more important than the rules he made up.
The list goes on – Housing, Communities and Local Government Secretary Robert Jenrick visits mummy and daddy, Stephen Kinnock does similar and don’t even get me started on the Goblin High Priest of Rule Breaking – Dominic Cummings.
Celebrities are the same.
Gary Lineker caught shopping without face mask – after slating those who don't wear them
Gary Lineker doesn’t wear a mask in M&S foodhall (presumably stocking up for his migrant house guests) and mega-rich footballers throw house parties at the drop of a model’s knickers.
All in this together? That would be laughable if it weren’t so lethal. Because while it is undoubtedly true Covid kills, so does lockdown.
The number of people dying at home of illnesses other than Covid has soared – up 26,000 on the same period last year.
Diabetes victims up 86% in just six months, prostate cancer up 53%, Parkinson’s up 79%, breast cancer up 47%. Almost 1,000 deaths are being recorded EVERY week.
And yes, the irony of quoting yet more figures (from the Office For National Statistics) isn’t lost on me. But if you can’t beat them..?
Suicide, domestic violence, child abuse, drug and alcohol dependency also appear to be on the rise. Which reminds me. Time to help himself “evaporate” some of that stockpiled, lockdown lager in the fridge.
* Line nicked from Michael Gove because it’s 100% funny and true. Possibly.
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