Silly Tories! Theresa May was right – nothing has changed

She left it to the last minute before showing her true feelings. And a little shout and a weep seems fair enough – for Theresa May just became the first Prime Minister in history to resign for not doing anything.

She didn't Brexit. She didn't not Brexit. She didn't build more houses, end austerity or tackle much of those "burning social injustices" she tacked on to her long-awaited swan song like the unwelcome last 5 verses of the National Anthem. She spent billions of pounds doing a thing that we're not doing.

After 3 years of being told she was hanging on by her fingernails, about to topple any minute, is-this-the-end-of-May, you could be forgiven for wondering if it is actually true. And you'll be unsurprised to learn that it isn't. It's still a week until the end of May, and Theresa has not resigned.

She's said that she will, and seeing as this time she's said it on camera rather than privately to the 1922 committee, coup leaders or Brexit wingnuts to whom she has made this promise many, many times before, we can probably assume it's as definite as anything with her, which means "perhaps".

There's still a reasonable chance she'll be there forever, becoming at one with the Number 10 wallpaper just as Will Turner became one with the Flying Dutchman, getting slowly covered in barnacles. Future PMs will feel her gurn at them from the architrave in quiet moments, as they wrestle with exactly the same problems she did, and with even less ability.

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson verbally thumped her on her way out the door, summing up her 1,045 days in office as "she had an unenviably difficult job, and did it badly".

Welcome, then, to those who've decided they want a job that is so difficult there's no point in trying.

That's not to say BoJo, Raabid, Govey, Dreadsome and the man BBC presenters keep calling a **** aren't prepared to take the title, the pay and what they assume is the glory of ruling over an utterly destroyed King's Landing. What they won't do is take responsibility for having torched it.

In 2016, Vote Leave promised a conscious uncoupling from the EU. They said there'd be a deal. They promised cross-party compromise, amicable trade negotiations, and absolutely no hard border in Northern Ireland.

Three years on, these charlatans have voted against all the things 17.4m people voted for, while accusing everyone else of ignoring a democratic vote. They now wish to be made PM without a general election, and the most common Brexit solution they offer is a middle finger to Claude Juncker while shredding the careful withdrawal it took them so long to demand, negotiate and then destroy.

Leaving without a deal does NOT mean we're free. It means we then enter a 10-year trade negotiation with the EU which has fresh reason to loathe us. It means a hard border in Northern Ireland under WTO rules, and it means walloping great border taxes.

"No deal and we'll do things our way," they tell you. Buy that, and you'll get destroying the union, smashing the economy and provoking the IRA thrown in for free.

Raabid doesn't know what Dover is for. Dreadsome thinks "as a mother" about everything, which as a mother myself I think means "who do I kill today, and when can I have a drink".

Johnson is a lifelong liar, Gove probably schemes against himself, and Jeremy is simply a void into which other people, media magnates and vested interests try to insert themselves. The only thing this lot could improve is the tragedy of the Titanic, by being on board it.

You can get a new PM. But you will have the same uncontrollable border, the same immovable EU rules for frictionless trade, and the same Parliamentary arithmetic which makes passing any legislation virtually impossible.

A No Deal PM would also face a Parliament, a party, and a country, which do not support No Deal. It's not a move that requires a single law, so it cannot be watered down by amendments as Theresa's efforts were. But a dim, divisive and damaging leader could be toppled with rebellions on other laws.

In other words, Boris could seize the crown by September and be out on his arse by Christmas.

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When a negotiated Brexit has failed, and when a No Deal Brexit has failed, a general election would see Jeremy Corbyn – currently on 33% in the polls to the Tories' 28% – installed in Downing Street.

There is only one unknown in this scenario. Would he lead a Remain coalition of Labour, Lib Dems, the SNP and Greens, or a Brexit one in the name of the north and left-behinds? Perhaps he doesn't know himself.

Because let us be as perfectly clear as Theresa always failed to be: Brexit is not possible. It was never was. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland cannot leave the EU, because Northern Ireland cannot. For that reason alone, any Brexit has to involve a customs union, accepting EU rules and regulations, and paying to retain access. Which is, as has finally been noted by the loons demanding it, not Brexit.

If the best Brexit you could ever get was a pretend one, paying more than we do now for fewer things, even the Almighty would struggle to get his head around it.

If Theresa had said all that 1,045 days ago, she'd have been accused of talking Britain down. With her incompetent but valiant efforts, she has succeeded only in becoming the first person to simultaneously provoke both sympathy and despair. It's been like watching an amputee try to hop on a leg that isn't there: well done for trying, but please don't.

If only she could have been honest about this from the start. But then, she wasn't truthful with herself, with her party, her Cabinet, Parliament or the country. She refused to compromise, and when she finally saw the need, her compromises were used to finish her off.

Of the 9 Prime Ministers the Tory Party has produced since the Second World War, 6 were destroyed by Europe. Only 3 were pro-EU, and Churchill, Heath, and Thatcher are also the only ones remembered fondly. Strangely, 2 of them are popular with Brexiters, which is proof of just how bonkers you have to be to qualify as one.

Theresa May must be applauded for trying to do what she thought people wanted. Unfortunately, she hadn't asked them if she'd heard it right, didn't listen when they told her no, and couldn't see what she was doing wrong. She invested everything she had in feeding her country into a legal mincer, and the fact she thought we'd voted for it does not justify the money and years wasted. She made Britons a figure of fun in a way that has not been seen since Morecambe and Wise skipped off our screens, yet managed it without producing a single drop of the affection and goodwill those two did.

I feel for her, really I do. But she was a silly cow, the next PM will be a stupid pig, and the one after that's probably going to be a daft 'aporth. She hasn't improved things much, except to make chaos boring.

Theresa was right about just one thing. Nothing has changed. There's still no Brexit, there can never BE a Brexit, and we still need a Prime Minister who'll be honest about it.


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